Texts From Last Night

“I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4”

“She didn’t know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.”

“I emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them”

“Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.”

“The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country…”

“I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn’t stop thinking about how scary space is”

“I made it home ok. I only got hit by one car.”