Thank you very much. I’m glad you’re stronger and more confident now. That makes me feel a little bit better. I appreciate it :)
High school teaches you a lot of things. Some of those things are good and some of those things are bad. I entered high school when I was 14 years old. I had just gotten out of a bad friendship with one of my old best friends. She now does drugs and I walk around my school campus smiling at people (when I’m actually happy that is). Anyways, I didn’t know a whole lot but I had two good friends from my middle school come along on this high school ride. We were pretty tight. One more than the other. Then I got my first boyfriend in November of 2009. It was a magical experience, or so I thought anyway. And I was definitely naive. I loved him, a lot. I loved him so much, I ignored my friends for him. I devoted my time, my effort, I even ignored school work just to be with him. We broke up a month after we first got together. Freshman year flew by and Sophomore year came. It was a better year for me. I had three new best friends and all was well. I hung out with them, had good memories with them and devoted half my time with them and half my time with my boyfriend who I got back with that summer. 10th grade was the best year of my high school life. I had good people around me, teachers who were awesome and I was “in love” with a boy I dated for a whole year. Then Junior year came. Junior year was the worst year of high school. I lied, I did stuff I regret and I hurt the ones I loved the most. My best friend is everything to me. I would take a bullet for her. But I didn’t treat her, or any of my other friends, well. I lied to them a lot, I ignored them for my ex boyfriend of 2 years, and I pretty much spat on their faces every time I ran off with him. A huge fight was born and it’s been haunting me ever since. That summer, tension grew between my best friend and I, but we eventually got over it. Or so I thought. Senior year came and I was ready to begin the last year of high school. I had all my best friends in my class, a new attitude and a new sense of doing things. I wanted to become a better person. It worked out for a while until my ex boyfriend came along. I started morphing into my Junior year ways and corrupted my friendships even more. The fights began and it was all my fault. My best friend and I promised each other to tell each other everything. It was hard but I was glad I was doing it. Senior year was fantastic in the middle, but it went downhill later on. I sit here wondering why I do the things I do. I don’t mean to do them, I don’t mean to hurt anyone but I end up doing it anyway. I’m a mess. I fuck things up, I say things I’m not supposed to, do things I’m not supposed to and end up hurting all of my friends. And it sucks. I guess I deserve this. I deserve to be talked down to since my parents do it to me all the time. I get treated like shit because I am shit. That’s what high school taught me. Now my friends hate me, I want to cry all the time and I just dig myself into deeper holes. But you know what? I don’t care anymore. I’m content with it. Because I know it’s what I deserve. Yes I’m happy that I’m graduating, yes I’m ecstatic that I finally have a boyfriend who actually gives two shits about me and yes I want to pursue my dream of being a musician. But it doesn’t feel right. Why? Because my best friends aren’t there to celebrate it. They aren’t there to comfort me or scream at the top of their lungs with me. Because they don’t care. I was most likely a burden on their shoulders, now they are free. I’m not complaining. I’m glad that I don’t have to bother them anymore. I was probably a waste of space. And I guess I’m okay with that. This is pretty much my life story of my high school years. It may seem sad to some, it may seem funny to others. Either way, I just wanted to share this with you. I needed to get it off my chest. You can go about your daily Tumblr scrolling for the night. I just wanted to write this out. What I learned in high school is that some people like you and some people don’t. You live, you learn and move on. I guess that’s just the way it is.
thanks for being there for me. doesn’t matter what we are. just as long as you can listen and put up with my tears. just, thank you.